Even relationship gurus get jealous, admits Ethical Slut co-author Dossie Easton. Here she explains why that’s a good thing…
I decided to abstain from monogamy in 1969 and I’ve never had any reason to revisit that decision. Why, indeed, would a lover of mine object to me sharing pleasure and delight with someone else? Why would I want my lover to enjoy less, or be less happy or sexy? I like my lovers sexy, but that doesn’t mean I’ve stopped getting jealous. It happens to everyone – even being monogamous doesn’t make you immune.
When I lead workshops on open sexual lifestyles I always ask the participants what jealousy means for each of them. For one person jealousy is a fear of abandonment; for another it’s rage or territorial instinct; for yet another it’s painful thoughts that they’re not good enough. I’ve come to understand jealousy as a set of possible responses to the thought of a sexual partner being attracted to, or connecting with, someone else. It occurs on a variety of levels, from mild discomfort to total annihilation. But our goal, if we wish to claim sexual freedom, is not to eliminate jealousy but to manage it. And I have learnt how.
Our culture tells us that jealousy is the only emotion that’s intolerable, impossible to handle. I’ve heard people declare, “I just get jealous”, assuming that it’s like a thunderstorm or an earthquake – an act of God – and not something they should actually work on. Children are taught to deal with difficult emotions like anger, fear and sibling rivalry. Those skills for containing and surviving difficult feelings can still work on jealousy in later life. Work. Yes, it takes work, but it is rewarding.
I remember my first challenge in overcoming jealousy. I was dating a hot number, very sexy if perhaps unreliable, and had just introduced him to my best friend. Next thing I knew (well, after a little psychotropic indulgence – it was the 60s) they were rolling about locked in a passionate embrace. I hadn’t the faintest idea what to do. Join them? I didn’t really want to. Start yelling and screaming? But I’d just decided never to do that again. So I went up to my room and let them be, proudly avoiding making a scene by grinding my teeth a lot and trying very hard to focus on something else.
Looking inside myself, I discovered profound feelings of insecurity and unworthiness. I’d always assumed that my security would be taken care of by my partner, who would, of course, desire only me. I realised I needed to build a foundation of security and self-worth that I owned and operated myself. Learning assertiveness and self-esteem reduced my jealousy from agonising torture to a minor frisson of uncertainty, and transformed me into a confident and much happier woman. Thank you, jealousy.
The best way to manage jealousy is to be kind to yourself; show compassion and accept yourself, warts and all. Get some comfort food and a book of no redeeming social importance, warm your flannel PJs on the radiator, tuck up with your teddy and pretend you have flu. Once you get comfy you’ll be able to think about what’s going on inside. Guide your thoughts away from useless screams of, “How could they/he/she do this to me?” to why this hurts so much and how you could feel better. Try exploring your feelings by journaling or finding some music that sounds like the way you feel and dancing to it. You can tell you’re on the right track when you’re thinking about yourself more than you are about “them”.
When you know you can take care of yourself when you feel jealous, you need never fear it again. Explore this mysterious feeling, find out what you can learn from it. My jealousy gave me self-worth and internal security; imagine what gifts yours might bring you.
Dossie Easton is an American author and family therapist based in San Francisco, California.
