Who says you should never go back to old boyfriends? Elizabeth Curran explains why sex with the ex can be good for your health.
As I stomped through a leafy north London street, with a face full of yesterday’s make-up and a mixture of guilt and pride at being a free-spirited dirty stop-out, a large fist of self-understanding hit me hard. I had just made a booty call to an old flame purely because the relationship I was in wasn’t working. In short, I had needed to draw a line under it.
What brought me knocking on the door of Mr X (as in the ex) wasn’t me wanting sex, or the hope that I could rekindle our former fling into a fully-fledged relationship. It was simply because I needed closure on another guy – let’s call him Mr Y (as in ‘why was I ever with him?’).
A big part of me thought, ‘I don’t want to be tempted to contact Mr Y again. If I have a brief encounter with Mr X my heart, soul and body will know that Y and I are O.V.E.R.’ I had used Mr X as a kind of sexual sorbet, to wipe away the bad taste that futile months with sweet-but-uptight Mr Y had given me. One night’s romp with a dead-cert put my whole outlook back to that of a confident single person; it made me feel like Mr Y was a million years ago, and reminded me of who I was before I’d got involved with someone whose sketchy behaviour had caused me to doubt myself.
Because I’d had a reunion with Mr X, I felt like there was no chance I’d get in touch with Mr Y again – I’d moved on. My relationship with Mr Y was really just us stringing one another along, because I was bored and he was lonely. There was no chemistry or enthusiasm, but sometimes it’s nice when you’ve been single for a while to have a man around, who’ll take you out to dinner and be your ‘plus one’ when you’re invited to parties that will be full of couples. All of which are quite negative reasons to choose to be in a relationship, and because of this half-hearted thing with Mr Y I wasn’t open to meeting someone who might be right for me. Being with a different man, even when it was another wrong man, gave me the strength to walk away. It was the right thing at the right time for me.
The idea that any woman having casual sex must be a victim has been spread, in my opinion, by misogynists. Certainly, there are women (and men) out there with issues, who abuse sex in the same manner that others abuse alcohol and drugs. But I also know that in the same way that many of us can happily enjoy a few of pints in the pub, having the occasional one-nighter with a heart-throb can give you just the pick-you-up that you need.
Walking the sunny streets near Mr X’s house, I suddenly felt empowered. My future love life was ahead of me, and in the present there were great sleepovers to be had. Those teachers and teen mags that lectured me as a girl on the issues of casual sex were only half right – a one-night-stand can affect us emotionally. This one had been about making me feel strong – a woman in control of her own choices.
As for Mr X, I know he isn’t going to get starry-eyed and declare his love for me, and that’s liberating too. We simply lust each other, and that’s enough. So, who says you should never go back?
Elizabeth Curran leading digital marketing and communications expert and former music journalist.
