If you want a happy ending to your love story, forget the fairytales and stop kissing toads, says relationship expert Brenda Della Casa.
As a casting director for some of America’s top reality TV shows and the author of dating and relating book Cinderella Was A Liar, I’ve interviewed thousands of people about their relationships. I’ve asked a lot of embarrassing questions, teased out painful answers, and started to come to some conclusions about the key to a happy love life.
Once upon a time you were introduced to a sweet maiden named Cinderella. She told us that if we were all good little girls we’d each meet a handsome prince who’d swoop into our lives, solve all our problems and carry us straight into the ‘happily ever after’. But somewhere between Cindy’s initial promise and your prince’s appearance, reality took a wrong turn. You were reduced to kissing toads that left warts on your heart and wondering why Mister “I was so into you last weekend” somehow lost your number (even though you watched him put it into his phone). Well, the fact is: Cinderella was a liar. In her tale of perfect love, Cindy omitted several important details. Her man was not perfect and her union was complicated (did you notice she married a man she barely knew?).
The first lie is that you can have just one soulmate. Destiny is all very romantic in theory, but the idea that there’s only one person out there in a world of billions of people is limiting. What if your only match lives in Spain and takes a trip to your hometown the one weekend you visit Madrid? There are many men out there who share your values, likes and dislikes. The fun is going to the ball and giving them all a spin around the dance floor.
Lie two: You have to kiss a lot of toads in order to find a prince. The truth is that a prince is any man whose interests and value system mesh with yours. And a toad is just that. I once stayed with a man who lied and cheated because I hoped I could change him into a prince. But the only thing I got from him was a bad case of emotional warts.
Lie three is that it’s better to have any man than no man at all. If you’ve ever walked in too-tight heels, you know that wearing a slipper that doesn’t fit is painful and frustrating. It’s far better to stay single and walk barefoot until you meet the right man at 45 than to be with someone who makes you feel suffocated at 30.
Lie four is that men are commitment-phobes. The last man who told me he “just wasn’t ready to commit” broke my heart and then got engaged to the woman he dated right after me. The truth is, a man will commit to a woman he feels is worth his commitment. Don’t take it personally if it isn’t you, but don’t sit around and be used either.
Lie five – that the right man will ‘save’ you – scares the bejeezus out of any potential mate, no matter how much he loves you. A man wants a woman who can stand on her own two feet. The only person who can save you is yourself – and many men find it incredibly sexy when you do, by the way.
Lie six is that you have to analyse him to understand him. In truth, if he only wants to meet up after the pubs close on a Saturday night, you won’t be introduced to his folks any time soon. And just to reassure you there really can be a happy ending: after following the advice given to me by so many different men from around the world, I got engaged to one of my own Prince Charmings. No toad kissing required.
Brenda Della Casa is an internationally published author, speaker, columnist and casting producer.
