To get what you want out of relationships with men, you must be an unreasonable bint, says writer and broadcaster Bibi Lynch.
If a policeman pulls you over for speeding, act rationally or you could find yourself locked up. If a scary youth refuses to turn down his iPod, respond reasonably or you could get stabbed. If your boyfriend arrives home five minutes late because he’s been picking up your dry cleaning, throw all his possessions into the garden and turn them into a bloody great bonfire. There’s no room for reasonable behaviour when it comes to relationships. Why? Because – although I hate to say it – when men see ‘reasonable’, they think ‘mug’.
I should know. I was a mug for years. In one relationship I ‘reasonably’ let the man off when he regularly cancelled our plans and even when he stood me up. He was starting a new business and that was his excuse for being so unreliable. But he was just a cock. He once let me get a cab to the bar we were meeting at, made me wait 30 minutes, and then texted to let me know he couldn’t get there because “his computers had gone down”. I’m hoping nothing has gone down on him since.
Another time, we’d arranged to meet on a Saturday. I got myself ready and waited for the ‘where to meet’ call. The call came the following Tuesday. He’d “been busy”, so I let that go. Seriously, what was wrong with me? He also disappeared for three months and then, at 3am, texted me asking if we could talk. I ‘reasonably’ (certifiably) let him call to explain. He liked me so much it scared him, apparently… The point is, I was always reasonable, never hysterical, and he still treated me like shit.
My thinking was ‘men don’t respond to needy, demanding women’, but that’s simply not the case. If they’re not that into you and treat you with no respect, and you’re being reasonable and taking it, they’ll carry on mistreating you and you’ll look and feel like a fool. By being ‘unreasonable’, you’re actually protecting your self-esteem.
Acting ‘unreasonably’ works. In the past, I’ve let men get away with not really explaining why they’d split up with me and would end up torturing myself for months with all the remaining questions (was I too short/boring/obsessed with Simon Cowell for their liking?). But now I make them explain. That way, I hear the often not-too-brutal truth and get the satisfaction of having my say.
I was seeing a fella who’d recently broken up with his long-term love. Ours was quite a casual thing, but I really liked him and thought he liked me. Anyway, one night I got a text saying he and his ex were going to give it another go. A text! Now, the old me would’ve left it at that (or even replied ‘OK. Best of luck’), but the new, less reasonable me rang him and made him explain why they were getting back together and why he thought it was OK to text me the news. He was trying to get on a train, but my call made him miss two in a row. It was a small victory, but a victory nonetheless.
Self-esteem and closure aside, if you’re dealing with a wavering lover, acting ‘unreasonably’ could actually help bring them back on side. What’s more attractive than a woman who’s strong and knows her worth? When a male friend of mine ditched his girlfriend, she ‘unreasonably’ rang him every night, screaming and crying down the phone, insisting that they were right for each other. He took the calls. He listened. He eventually realised she was right. And now, six months after the initial split, she’s moved in with him and they’re living happily ever after.
Being ‘unreasonable’ is about being brave enough to put yourself on the line, by demanding to be treated in the way you deserve to be treated and revealing how much you like someone by acting passionately. The right men admire it and you get the relationship that you deserve. It’s a win-win, ladies, so don’t be reasonable.
Bibi Lynch is a journalist, writer and broadcaster.
