Whether or not you realise it, there’s a little bit of dominatrix in every woman, and we believe that every woman deserves to be worshipped in the boudoir. To bring a new domme-ension to your lust life, Scarlet has devised a 10-step programme for BDSM beginners.
Terms And Conditions
In a world of female domination, it pays to know the language of lust and some essential safety rules…
- BDSM: acronym of bondage and discipline, domination and submission and sadomasochism
- Domme: abbreviation for a Dominatrix, or ‘dominant’ female (for men it’s ‘Dom’) – someone who gets off on overpowering and controlling another person – always spelt with a capital ‘D’ in domming circles to reflect the power hierarchy. A pro-Domme is a professional dominatrix
- Sub: abbreviation for a ‘submissive’ person – someone who enjoys being dominated by another
- S/M: also SM and S&M, acronym of sadomasochism – a combo of sadism (receiving pleasure from inflicting pain on someone) and masochism (getting pleasure from receiving pain).
Safety First
- Never leave a bound person unattended. Keep scissors or keys handy so you can release restraints instantly, and always ensure that restraints don’t restrict circulation.
- Also, before you embark on your adventure, agree on a ‘safe word’ that you can both use at any point to call proceedings to an immediate halt (we suggest ‘Scarlet’).
- Follow the pink level tips as far as you’re comfortable to go for a taste of the BDSM world.
- If you really like what you discover, go on to the red level to experience some seriously hardcore domination…
Level One: Worship – Embrace Your Power
Step into your dominant role by teaching your partner how to worship your body and presence.
This may sound odd, but having them adopt a position of worship will instantly alter both your demeanours. “Being worshipped makes you feel utterly desirable and incredibly sexy, which will do wonders for your self-esteem in the bedroom,” says Mistress S, from female worship club Pedestal.
Pink: Tell them they can’t orgasm without permission. Tease relentlessly, bringing them close but stopping just before the edge. The frustration — and your control — will drive them wild.
For amateur adoration Mistress S recommends arranging a worship hour. “In this time all their activities should be focused on what gives you pleasure,” she says. “Discuss it beforehand – explain that they can’t refuse your demands. Command them to give you oral sex, setting them a realistic minimum number of orgasms you expect them to give you in the hour, and have them kiss every inch of your naked body, directing them verbally by saying things like ‘kiss my breasts, slower, more, now my thighs…’ and so on.”
For extra Domme dynamism, make them look up at you while idolising your body. “Nothing makes me feel more euphoric than when a woman makes me crawl to her – kissing her feet, humbling myself in front of her,” says sub Daniel, 32.
Red: Push their boundaries with public teasing. Send sexy commands via text, demanding proof they’re obeying — whether in the bathroom at a bar or sneaking off at work. They’ll be aching for your approval.
Make them acknowledge your superior status with enforced worship. “I like to be placed in stocks with my hands and ankles secured, sitting helpless and naked before my mistress,” says slave ‘Pete The Feet’, 47. “I like her to place her foot over my mouth and command me to lick and kiss it. I try to escape but secretly I relish the torment.” Make your own shackles by firmly binding their wrists and ankles with stockings with cord from curtain tie-backs or a bathrobe (remember to leave enough room for his blood to circulate).
Level Two: Sexual Challenges – Control Their Pleasure
Test their limits with teasing games and challenges — you’re in charge of their pleasure.
“Setting your partner some sexual challenges allows them to prove their prowess with a possible sexual reward at the end, and you reap the benefits of their efforts,” says BDSM expert, Latexalexa. “If you’re inventive and daring enough, challenges can extend your sex life in unexpected directions.”
Pink: Promise them a night of passion, but tell them you’ll only satisfy them if they abstain from climaxing until you say they can, then drive them crazy with an evening of teasing. “Take control of your partner’s orgasms; keep driving them to the point of near-climax, but don’t let them come,” says Latexalexa. When they’re begging you to finish that oral sex/hand-job/whatever, you’ll know you’re at the right tempo, and then you can decide when it’s time for their reward.
Red: Push their sexual bravado to its limits with daring tasks. “Make them wank for you in inappropriate places, like a restaurant toilet or in the passenger seat of a car while you’re driving,” suggests Latexalexa. If they’re at work or on a night out, text them demanding a picture of them with their hand in their pants within the next five minutes.
Level Three: Servitude – Your Every Desire Fulfilled
Why do everything yourself when you have a submissive willing to serve?
As your willing slave, your lover should want to do everything in their power – sexual or otherwise – to please you. Take full advantage. “Ladies, remember that you’re in charge,” says Latexalexa. “Enjoy having a partner serve you and wait on your every whim. If you want them to massage your feet and feed you chocolates, demand it!”
Pink: “Starve them of sex for a week so they’re desperate to do whatever you want in order to gain some release,” advises sexpert Emma Gold. Then simply hand them a list of everything you want done around the house. Get them to do it naked so you can see their hot bod from every angle. This’ll leave them feeling wonderfully vulnerable.
Red: Having your slave wait on others is the ultimate act of servitude, says Mistress S. “Invite a couple of open-minded girlfriends round and have your lover wait on you all wearing nothing but a pinny. Make sure the focus of the evening is on the fun you’ll have with the girls; their needs are irrelevant. Devise rules for them, such as making them stay on their knees when in your presence. If you’re happy with their performance by the end of the night, reward them with their favourite bedtime activity.”
Level Four: Role-Play – Channel Your Inner Goddess
Role-playing allows you to step into your Domme persona, letting fantasy fuel your dominance.
If you’re normally too shy to take charge in the bedroom, acting out a role-play scenario where you’re ‘performing’ as the dominant character can make it a lot easier, as it’s the character, rather than you, who’s being dominant.
Pink:Try pony play, a form of role-play where one person acts like a horse, while their partner takes on the role of rider or trainer. To make a pony of your partner buy them a rubber bit and make them get down on all fours (naked of course), then ‘train’ them by sitting on his back and ‘riding’ them through the house (if you do this naked you’ll naturally engage in frottage and they’ll be able to feel how wet you are on their skin). If they move too slowly, lightly flog them with a riding crop. At the end of training, groom your horse by giving them a luxurious bath, gently rubbing them down, then ride them again – cowgirl style this time!
Red: Be more risqué by role-playing in public. Take your lover to a fetish club in character where you can show off your supremacy. If you’re not the jealous type, ‘loan’ them to other women for foot rubs and massages. Having spent the evening watching them servicing others, you’ll be gagging to show them whose property they really are by the end of the night.
Level Five: Bondage – Tie Them to Your Will
Restraint adds delicious vulnerability to your power play.
84% of adults in the UK have tried bondage. Now it’s your turn.
Pink: Scarlet recommends some non-physical but oh-so-sexy bondage for beginners. “Mental bondage can be even hotter than physical bondage if you get it right because it totally relies on your partner getting into a mental state of acquiescing to your desires,” “Tell them to spread their arms and legs and not move, no matter what you do. Taunt them by performing a slow striptease, positioned just out of reach, then straddle their face so they can smell you, but not quite touch you. If they disobey orders and reach out for you, immediately stop what you’re doing and walk away – they’ll soon learn to do as they’re told!
Red: Show them who’s really in charge by chaining them to your bed with a bicycle lock (way more intimidating than furry handcuffs) and masturbate with a vibrator or dildo in front of them. Make lots of erotic sounds and alternate between inserting the vibrator and your own finger inside of yourself. Once you’ve come as many times as you like, gag them with the juice-covered toy and get on top of them for an intensely climatic conclusion to the show.
Level Six: Cuckolding – Spark Jealousy and Desire
A little jealousy can be powerful fuel for your sexual fire — if both partners are fully on board.
There’s nothing like a bit of jealousy to inspire a lover’s ardour. “Cuckolding is a surprisingly popular fantasy that involves being rejected by their partner in favour of another,” says Mistress S. “But it’s something for more seasoned players because of the emotional implications.” Only attempt this level if your partner is completely comfortable with the idea of jealousy-play.
Pink: “Make them feel cuckolded by talking dirty about how much you’d love to shag a particular celebrity,” recommends Scarlet. Huskily whisper in their ear all the erotic things you’d like to do with your chosen movie star– they’ll become so jealous and horny that they’ll be desperate to fulfil all the fantasies you’ve described with you on the spot.
Red: For edgier envy-play make your fantasy a reality. “A classic cuckolding scenario sees you involve your partner in your preparations for a night out with someone else,” says Mistress S. “Make them bathe you and help you get dressed in seductive clothes. Tell them to stay at home while you’re on your date. You could even bring back your date and make your partner watch and/or listen while you have sex with them.” (Warning: this level of cuckolding should only be attempted by already seasoned swingers with full consent).
Level Seven: Role Reversal – Take His Power
Flip traditional bedroom dynamics and show him who’s really in charge.
“Turning gender stereotypes on their head can reinforce your sense of sexual power, especially if you and your partner are used to taking a Me-Tarzan-You-Jane approach to sex all the time,” says Mistress S. “Men in particular, feel pressured to behave a certain way in the bedroom. Giving him time out from this expectation, and taking on the manly role yourself, can be liberating for both of you.”
Pink: Prove to him who wears the trousers by having him adopt a submissive position for sex. “Get him on his front with his bum in the air,” recommends Mistress S. “Then wank him off, straddling him from behind so he can feel you as a physical force against him, much like women feel men bearing down on them in missionary position. You’re in charge this way – you say if he comes or not, and choose how soft or hard your grip is.”
Red: A strap-on is a great device for bringing out your macho streak. “Behave as though it’s a real cock. Have your lover suck and kiss it, then take them from behind (using lots of lube), with them bent over the bed with their pants around their ankles.
“If they’re a nervous anal virgin, try training over a period of a few days or weeks. Start by slowly inserting a very small dildo or a finger in their anus, then gradually work your way up to a strap-on,” says Mistress S. “There’s more chance they will experience pleasure this way and their bottom will be more receptive to your ‘manhood’.”
Level Eight: Ownership – Full Control, Total Surrender
Owning your sub fully, even temporarily, takes dominance to the next level.
“Ownership combines vulnerability with security,” says Tanos, another BDSM expert. “The sub is at the mercy of their Domme – they have to give up responsibility, pride, privacy and decision-making – but they know that fundamentally they’re safe and will be taken care of. Sexually this means they’re not responsible for anything, they’re not entitled to keep their fantasies secret and there’s no place for shyness.”
Pink: Start playing with power by setting some simple rules. “Restrict what the submissive would normally do; control what, if anything, the sub can wear and what they must call you,” says Tanos. “Maintaining rules and the genuine feeling of vulnerability and powerlessness in the sub means that when it’s time to beg for sex the begging isn’t just words, and the power to grant or withhold pleasure from the sub on a whim really is there.”
Red: For more committed ownership write a temporary contract. “This can be horny as hell,” says Latexalexa. “Make a written agreement together detailing the nature of your relationship, specific rules, names, anything you want to include. Then both sign it and keep it as a token of your fun.” Scarlet suggests something along the lines of: “I [slave’s name here] promise to fulfil all [your name here]’s sexual desires at any given time, in any given place, on any given date for the entire month of September. Signed…”
Level Nine: Chastity – Deny and Control Their Desire
Controlling their orgasms is the ultimate Domme move.
Being in control of what your lover can, or, more to the point, can’t do, whilst you are free to please yourself despite his arousal ASBO, can lead to some uber hot sex…
Pink: If you can trust your partner to behave, verbally deny them the right to sex and masturbation for a set period of time. “Eroticism demands time,” says Ms Tytania. “Don’t get trapped by satisfying a smoldering desire. Dominant ladies are not insatiable, but slightly unattainable.”
Add to their frustration by wearing sexy undies, talking dirty and watching porn. Mistress S adds, “Emphasise the fact that you own their genitalia and you control what they do with it. Submissives love this feeling of ownership”. No matter how much they plead, don’t give into them, and if they respect the ban for the required duration, reward them with an absence-makes-the-tart-grow-fonder fuck of a lifetime – in your choice of position, obviously.
Red: Lovers of bits-control can splash out on a chastity device. “They come in loads of different forms, from pouches and belts to metal and plastic devices that can be locked, making any form of arousal extremely uncomfortable,” says Mistress S. “So, if you really want to be sadistic, play them their favourite porn film, or lend them your strap-on and make them screw you with that.”
Level Ten: Punishment – Discipline Meets Pleasure
Reward good behaviour, punish disobedience — it’s all part of the game.
Punishment and reward systems are an ideal way of controlling a lover and teaching them exactly what you want between the sheets. They’ll love testing your limits and being punished for being naughty.
Pink Dilettante disciplinarians needn’t break the bank buying domination equipment. “Look around the house for items to use,” says Latexalexa. “Be imaginative – the kitchen and garage can throw up things like feather dusters, ice cubes and wooden spoons for sensation play.” Blindfold your lover with a scarf and have them bend over a sofa arm. Alternate between tickling their buttocks with a duster and firmly slapping the centre of their cheeks.
Red: If they need reprimanding, put your foot down – literally. Tell your lover to lie down and carefully walk over their torso. Never apply any pressure on the neck area, and always tentatively test that they can take your weight first, and use a sideboard or chair-back for additional support. “Being trampled on is magical,” says slave Daniel. “I love to look up and see a bold smile or sneer on a woman’s face as she walks on me in a self-assured way, enjoying the feel of my body under her feet.”
Ready to Explore?
BDSM for beginners doesn’t have to be intimidating — it’s all about communication, consent, and finding what turns you both on. Whether you dip your toe in with light bondage or dive into full-blown Domme life, Scarlet is here to guide you.
Explore more tips and advice in our Sexpertise channel.
