SOS (Save Our Sex-Life) alert. If you’re not getting the nookie you deserve, then let Scarlet help you transform meh sex into mind blowing sessions. It’s simpler than you think.
Great partner – shame about the sex? It’s a complete bummer when you meet a thoroughly decent lover who’s wonderful in so many ways, but who also happens to be crap in the sack. A staggering half of people in relationships claim their current partner is their worst ever sexual encounter whilst another study suggests people tend to break up after 4.5 terrible times together. But with Scarlet’s Crap Sex Converter™ you can learn how nookie niggles can not only be remedied, but also re-routed to your pleasure advantage…
The Problem: Cement Mixer Kisser
The Prescription: You lean in for the first kiss, full of expectation, and their tongue either rotates around your mouth faster than a washing machine spin cycle or pokes in and out with all the sensitivity of Woody The Woodpecker. Not good – especially as in an average lifetime, we apparently spend two weeks snogging. The best way to re educate The Cement Mixer is to lead by example. Lou Paget (https://www.loupaget.com/), author and sex educator, advises a method that’s enjoyable for you both while also protecting their pride. “Start by kissing your partner the way you love to be kissed. Stop mid-kiss and tell your lover how much you love kissing. Then say, ‘Hey, will you show me what it feels like to be kissed by me?’” explains Lou. “Always follow the desired kiss with reinforcement like ‘Oh, do more of that’.” Tracey Cox, author and sex educator, has another hot tip, “Let out a tiny groan of pleasure when they’re doing it right – it not only encourages them to keep kissing that way, it also creates an erotic vibration.”
The Problem: The Brutalist
The Prescription: The way the Tit Crusher tugs and pulls our breasts is criminal. If there was a Society for the Prevention Of Cruelty To Breasts, they’d be on the top 10 offenders list. As for the Clitoris Hammer, I was once forced to point out to a lover that assault and battery of the clitoris was the sensual equivalent of stamping on bollocks – fun for a minority, but excruciating for most. Jenny Hare, sex counsellor and author, has the solution. “Don’t say ‘Ouch, that’s horrible!’ as this will instantly crush their self-esteem. Instead, still their hand and say ‘they’re extremely sensitive – it feels great and can be orgasmic when you’re really, really gentle’.” To smooth out their touch downstairs, try lubing their fingers up (we love Yes Sex Lubricant). Jenny also suggests showing them how you like to be touched in sensitive spots by demonstrating on the underside of their wrist, an area that is very sensitive but not erotic enough for them to lose their concentration. And if you don’t mind distracting them, demonstrate directly on your erogenous zone. Warning: this will lead to immediate “next steps”…
The Problem: Size Matters
The Prescription: 40% of women would cheat on their partner over the size of their penis. But as you’re both responsible for the level of friction, so it seems unfair that his little fella takes all the blame. One solution is to develop your pubococcygeal (PC) muscles so that your vaginal grip is so tight, that penetration by even the teeniest todger would feel pleasurable. Clench and release your PC muscles 10 times in rapid succession, then clench and hold for 10 seconds five times. Repeat three sets of this work-out twice a day and within a fortnight you’ll begin to notice a difference, not only in how snug he feels but also in the power of your orgasms.
Another option – and you’d want to think very carefully before suggesting this – is the Cyberskin Transformer Penis Extension which adds 1.5 inches to the length of a penis, as well as extra girth. The ‘cyber skin’ itself apparently feels so real, you won’t be able to tell the difference. Finally, Small Cock Compensation Theory purports that what he lacks in plunge power he makes up for with cunnilingus prowess. Lucky you!
The Problem: Trigger Happy
The Prescription: The sexual equivalent of ‘all dressed up and nowhere to go’, habitual premature ejaculation can be a real bore. Unfortunately, one third of men suffer with it at some point, so odds are that if you walk away from one premature ejaculator, you’ve got a 50% chance of meeting another one. However it’s highly curable. If he’s into alternative treatments, acupuncture could be the answer. According to traditional Chinese medicine, there’s an ‘energy gate’ between the prostate and the base of the penis. “Premature ejaculation means that the hinges of the gate have become loose or weak and therefore cannot hold back the sperm,” says acupuncturist Massih Yaghmaie. “The length of treatment can vary from a few sessions up to three to six months’ of treatment.” If you simply can’t wait that long, Donald Zimmer, sexual health advisor, says 80% to 90% of men are able to learn better control by exercising their PC muscles. Tell him to tighten the muscles around his anus and draw them up, then hold for as long as he can and repeat as many times as he can bear each day – around five minutes of daily clenches should produce results very quickly.
In the meantime, ask him to wear a thick ribbed condom to reduce sensation for him and increase friction for you.
The Problem: Stamina King
The Prescription: Women who complain about men not lasting long enough have caused the common misconception that we want men to pound us like a jackhammer for hours on end. But without a vat of lube (or illegal narcotics) our delicate little clitorises don’t actually appreciate the pounding. “One way to stop the onslaught is to get him to masturbate over you instead, or say that you’re desperate to give him a blow-job,” says Tania Glyde, sex therapist.
Another technique used by escorts – the health of whose vaginas and bank balances depends on brevity – is to keep a note of any particular phrase or action that triggers your lover’s orgasm. You may find that talking dirty or doing something extra naughty (like probing a finger inside their anus) equally intensifies pleasure for you, so go ahead – sometimes it’s good to be bad.
The Problem: Lost Libido
The Prescription: It’s hard not to take this one personally, but if you don’t want their headache to become yours, you need them to get to the cause of their low desire. Is it stress, depression, a lousy diet, illness or seriously low levels of hormones? A visit to the GP will help identify the problem. If a doctor can’t identify a medical cause, they should be able to recommend a therapist to talk through psychological issues, or they may offer techniques to reduce stress levels. They could try disassociating themself from work by changing out of their work clothes the minute they get home, and instead of reaching for a soothing glass of shiraz, lying down in a quiet room and concentrating on deep breathing for five minutes – it really does work. Also, improving general health can have an instant impact – go to the gym together instead of going to the pub and replace stodgy foods like white breads and pastas with green side orders such as broccoli or salad. Ironically, another solution to not having sex is to not have sex. According to Andrew Marshall, sex therapist and author, taking penetration out of the sexual equation for an entire month can work wonders. “It’s basic human nature that when we can’t have something, it becomes a hundred times more desirable and the ban will immediately free him from feelings of guilt and pressure, neither of which are great libido boosters,” he says. As the sex ban only applies to penetration, it will be a great excuse to get back to basics and indulge yourselves with so-called ‘foreplay’ that is just as delightful during and after penetrative sex.
The Problem: Libido Loco
The Prescription: I lived with a sex mad guy whose testosterone levels ought to have been monitored for medical research. He needed – as opposed to wanted – sex five times a day. On a few occasions, I lay there passively, mistakenly believing men become deranged if you refuse to aid ejaculation – my only contribution the plaintive cry, “pull my nightie down when you’ve finished.” But there is another way. “You need to talk about this to avoid a negative spiral because the more a guy is rejected, the more he’ll want it and the more you’ll end up feeling he just wants you for sex,” says Val Sampson, couples counsellor. “Start with a positive, like ‘I love having sex with you’, then point out that there is a slight difference between how often you want sex. Explain why you don’t want it now. It’s absolutely fine to turn down sex, but always give him an alternative time as a straight ‘no’ is bewildering. Also, men sometimes want sex in order to feel close to you, so instead of seeing it as him pestering you for sex, you could re-frame it mentally as your man’s desire for intimacy.” Bless.
The Problem: Toy Envy
The Prescription: A third of men aren’t keen on their partners using vibrators, but Scarlet has three rules to convert a spoilsport.
- Buy a toy that’s much smaller than he is.
- Show him the benefits by using it on him too; rub it over his perineum or against your cheek during oral sex.
- Finally, point out that a vibrator can’t give you a massage, a hug or oral sex.
You can also buy him a plaything of his own – we have reviews of toys for him that will also delight you in the bedroom. Try the O Bong O Cock Ring to start…
The Problem: Oral Aversion
The Prescription: There is a difference between aversion and downright refusal (a sacking offence in our book), although oral sex performed unwillingly is almost better not performed at all. You could find out what makes them hesitate to go down south. Perhaps you’re not as comfortable with a face nestling in your vagina as you’d like to think and they’ve picked up on anxiety vibes and stayed away. If you are shy, wear silk knickers. Being licked through wet silk feels fantastic and when they eventually pulls them to one side and their tongue hits your flesh, your shyness will miraculously evaporate. Another issue in oral is smell. Over half of women have missed out on oral because they lack confidence about their smell . If you feel self-conscious about your own scent or flavour, try a flavoured orgasm balm like the Bliss Orgasm Balm. Formulated from peppermint and essential oils, the balm helps activate the nerve endings and promotes blood flow for increased size and sensitivity; it is also totally edible. An equally common cause of oral aversion is hair – and before you get on the pubes-are-natural soapbox, we know they are, but that doesn’t mean we feel comfortable when a stray hair is floating around inside our mouths. When my friend Katie asked her man why he never returned her oral sex favours, he admitted he didn’t like pubic hair. The next time she saw him, the area was hair-free and he lapped away happily. Read our guide to getting better oral sex here.
The Problem: Anal Aversion
The Prescription: While anal sex is the Holy Grail for some, others find the very idea of penetrating their partner’s anus with even just a finger “disgusting”. Our advice if you enjoy having your botty banged and you end up with an anal averter? See if they’ll compromise by using a toy on you. If they’re fine with that, try to up the ante by investing in some latex gloves – with a barrier in the way, they might be up for some anal fingering, and a dental dam (a square of latex) can be used for rimming without actually making contact. If they still refuse to play ball, slip a vibrating butt plug into your posterior yourself prior to penetration and sell the idea to them by assuring them the vibrations will travel through your internal walls and tickle his member. That way you’ll both be laughing.
And if you thought your sex life was bad, check out these unfortunate souls…
Sex Starved. Ew! Clearly feeling a bit peckish, the female praying mantis may bite her mate’s head off post-sex. “She first bites off his front tarsus, and then consumes the tibia and femur. Next she gnaws out his eyes… it seems to be only by accident that a male ever escapes alive from the embraces of his partner,” wrote Victorian scientist, Leland Ossian Howard. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leland_Ossian_Howard) Thankfully female homo sapiens get by with a few rounds of toast.
Hate Mail. Two German women complaining on email about their partners’ poor sex drives found the details of their private lives broadcast to thousands after one of them hit the wrong button, reported Bild newspaper. The emails described how the women had tried but failed to arouse their partners, and were first sent by accident to other colleagues in their office, and then forwarded to thousands across Germany. Oops.
Twice The Bother. The humble earwig has it both ways. The male of the euborellia plebeja species has two penises that are often longer than the insect’s one-centimetre body. However, they’re prone to breaking off, often during mating. Darn it.
Sexually Driven. The Sun revealed the rather unusual sexual fetish of a Mr Donald who thoroughly enjoys a good romp – with cars! He’s also done the dirty with two boats and a jetski, allegedly, though details of how were not published (the mind boggles). “When I was a young boy I used to see human qualities in cars,” he said. “As I grew up I noticed I was having feelings towards cars and they began catching my eye in a certain way.” Mr Donald said his sexual fetish may have been triggered by formative childhood experiences watching Knight Rider. The Hoff does it again!
