Is Three A Crowd? Scarlet’s Guide To Exploring A Menage A Trois

For those who are secure in their relationship and sexuality, a threesome is a spicy sojourn into sampling the sexual smorgasbord. It’s a common fantasy but how do you get the balance right without causing a full-on hoo-ha in your own (or someone else’s) relationship?

Denise Knowles, relationship counsellor for Relate, says, “At Relate, we tend to see the fall-out but, in some cases, threesomes can genuinely spice up a relationship – even if it’s just by talking about it. As long as the three people involved are willing to enter into a threesome arrangement and nobody feels coerced, then it’s OK.”

So, can a three-way be an adventure to share and a turn-on to relive after the event? Scarlet is here to help you ensure you have third party insurance.

Are You Ready For A Threesome?

If you’re a ‘love’ couple

For couples in typical monogamous relationships, experts suggest threesomes should be approached with extreme caution. “For an ‘ordinary’ couple in love, it can cause a lot of disruption or jealousy,” warns Knowles. “If a couple’s going to invite a third person into bed, they need to be clear with each other. Is it going to be another woman (FMF – female/male/female threesome) or another man (MFM – male/female/male threesome)? And how will you feel about having another person there? Address issues of jealousy upfront and seriously; there’s a lot to think about beforehand – some people may talk themselves out of it.”

“It’s not until you’ve tried it that you’ll know exactly how it impacts on you – rather like having a baby!” adds Knowles. “You can attempt to cover all the bases, but you or your partner may find the other person irresistibly attractive and want to do it again – or have an affair. There should be rules to try to make the relationship safe, and you also need to consider the impact on the third person.”

Deidre Sanders feels threesomes are a bad idea altogether for anyone truly in love. She says, “If you’re in a love relationship, I would advise you not to go down the threesome road but look at improving your own relationship instead.”

If you’re in an open relationship

“With those in an open relationship, there’s a different way of thinking,” says Knowles, “they’ve gone into the relationship with that as their ‘baseline’.” But having an open relationship where you’ve both agreed to see other people separately is still quite different to making out with someone in front of each other. If your agreement was along the lines of: “I’m happy for you to see other people – just don’t rub my nose in it”, then you have almost as much to consider as the monogamous couple (above). However, you’re less at risk of permanently damaging your relationship, and so the perks of sharing partners are a bigger pull. “Threesomes and swinging, when indulged in with a lover one adores, can simply instil that whole ‘partner in crime’ aspect and make you feel closer,” says seasoned swinger, Mistress Jadis. “After all, you are literally watching each other’s backs!”

If you’re single

Threesomes can be a lot of fun for the adventurous singleton but there are still dangers to avoid. “You need to be sure you’re not hankering after one of the couple involved and at risk of getting hurt,” says Sanders. “You also need to be confident in and comfortable with your sexuality, and sure that the other same-sex person isn’t using you as a way to live out their lesbianism without having to come out of the closet.

Mandy, 36, from Brighton, has had two open relationships and several threesomes. She says, “Make sure you don’t get involved with a couple that already has relationship problems as you could become a pawn in their game. It’s far more fun to play with genuine swingers or single people who don’t have any issues.”

If you’re bi-curious

“You need to ask yourself some tough questions,” says Sanders. “Is your partner genuinely as keen on a threesome as you are? Are you trying to mask gay feelings you’d rather not admit to yourself? Are you being 100% honest with your partner about what it means to you?”

Knowles adds, “You could be living with a man and have no idea he’s bisexual or bi-curious, so the suggestion of a MFM threesome might raise concerns about your partner’s sexuality.”

Who Should You Invite To ‘The Party’?

If you’ve decided to go ahead with a threesome, the first big question you’ll face is who to invite as your ‘guest’? Mark Roberts from Fever Parties, purveyor of swingers’ events for attractive couples under 40, says, “Many people simply don’t have enough sex drive for a threesome. Even if they can be persuaded, they might slope off in the middle of the action. So, it’s best to avoid the very inexperienced. Also avoid someone who has a crush on either of you, as there can be unpredictable emotional reactions and clinginess.”

“For women, the best option is to be a single guest at a swingers’ party,” adds Mark. “If you attract a couple, you can play on the premises. If you’re a couple, the best option is a bisexual person. If you want to attract an extra single guy, men at swingers’ events are generally ‘house trained’ and know how to behave afterwards.”

“It’s best to have a threesome spontaneously during or after a party or some drinks – strike while the iron’s hot. Do it after lots of fantasising about scenarios and some planning. Don’t do it in a badly contrived scenario or from a cold start, for example if the right people are there but the moment’s wrong.”

You can also find third parties such as JustForDinner dating app Feeld also features lots of couples and singles looking for threesomes. This allows you the opportunity to ‘shop’ for potential mates, discuss them openly with your partner, and contact them. You may even find the virtual three-way conducted via video is enough to satisfy your desire and curiosity.

Threesome Etiquette

Experienced three-way players in relationships set boundaries before inviting a third person into their bed. For your threesome to swing rather than slump, everyone needs to know what they do (and don’t) want to happen, which requires planning. If you’re the third party, ask the couple to tell you their ground rules. Things to discuss and consider include:

Consent

A threesome will only work properly if everyone’s genuinely up for it and feels comfortable. “I had a female friend who used to go to parties and persuade singles and couples – straight bi or gay – into threesomes,” says Mandy. “Some would run away just before the event; others would go along with it and then feel disturbed afterwards. Clearly, the participants should enter into it clear-headed and with proper consideration to avoid unwelcome reactions during or after the event.”

Setting the limits

Some couples like to reserve a certain act, such as kissing, for themselves – perhaps it’s the one thing that’s not allowed?  Are you up for full penetrative sex with the third person or would you rather stick to ‘petting’? Do you have anything else that might be off limits? “Most people have oral sex, but not everyone plays with bottoms,” says Mark from Fever Parties, which organises swinging events. “If you like this, you need to decide whether you want it happening in front of the third person or whether they should be involved.”

Condoms

Three-way fun puts you at additional risk of contracting an STI; so play safe and always use fresh condoms every time you have penetrative sex. You may also want to consider using condoms and dental dams for oral sex. Dental dams are squares of latex that can be placed over your genitals and work in the same way as a condom. Using one could, for example, prevent you from contracting herpes from the mouth of someone who’s going down on you.

The orgasm issue

If either of you don’t want to see the other person orgasming with the third party, mention it up front. You should also decide where you want the ‘sticky stuff’ to end up, as some people have strong preferences. “In a FMF threesome, it’s more sociable if the guy comes where both ladies can see it,” says Mark. Mandy agrees: “During a recent threesome, my partner came in our guest and I felt somewhat disappointed. I was compelled to have him to myself immediately afterwards.”

Keeping in control

“If you’re a woman in a MFM threesome, decide whether you want to take the two guys at once or one at a time,” advises Mark. “Are you going to direct them or can they take ‘charge’ of you? Nobody ought to feel out of control.” 

When one person doesn’t want to play 

If one person climbs out of bed, is it OK for the other two to continue? “If you leave, can you deal with your partner carrying on with a third person?” asks Knowles. You also need to think about how the other two players will react should you decide to leave. “I worked with a couple who arranged an MFM threesome. During the experience, the woman decided it wasn’t for her. The two men were so beyond themselves that they couldn’t stop and shouted at her when she got up to leave.”

What happens next

Do you see the threesome as a one-off event? Be clear with your partner and the third party about whether it’s acceptable to contact each other afterwards. “I had a three-way with my partner and a female friend, and it was fun. However,” warns Mandy, “afterwards, I felt pressure for a repeat performance whenever the three of us were socialising together, which made me uncomfortable. Then one night, when I wasn’t up for it, my partner asked if he could sleep with our friend and we had a terrible row.” 

Clearly, threesomes are the Pandora’s box of the bedroom – once opened, there’s no telling what may come out. You could have fun, but there are no guarantees and, more importantly, there is no way to turn back time. Consider your options wisely – maybe three really is a crowd.

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