For sensational sex, take him up the aisle – the supermarket aisle that is. Scarlet reveals what your weekly supermarket shop can do for your sex drive…
Trips to the supermarket can be a major cause of relationship disputes. But what if The Big Shop included some Big Fun? Scarlet takes a stroll down the supermarket aisle and reveals the potential of all the saucy products you can stock up on – and we don’t mean ketchup (unless, of course, you’re into that sorta thing). Here are some things to add to that list….
Chocolate Dipping Sauce
You’ll often find the best stuff located next to the strawberries in your local supermarket. This Chocolate Dessert Sauce from Waitrose can be used as edible body paint. Apply it to your lover’s skin with a lip or eye shadow brush. Create detailed body art – the delicate teasing sensations of the brush on their skin will heighten sensation across the landscape of their body – and when you’re done, capture your art on camera so you have a snapshot to keep in your ‘erotic memories box’ and then suck and lick away the chocolate. See also Nutella….
Honey
Ever tried Honey Hide & Seek? It’s a tastier version of the childhood game – for grown-ups. You blindfold your lover, then hide a dab of honey on your body, and make them find it using only their tongue. Their reward for locating your honey pot? Sex in their favourite position. Your reward? Being licked all over – and not just in the obvious places. Note, this trick works equally well with chocolate dipping sauce (see above).
Pineapple Juice
It’s a well-known fact within the porn industry that men who consume fruit prior to blow-job scenes taste more pleasant for their co-stars. Try putting your man on a diet high in fruit such as strawberries, and ask him to drink nothing other than water and pineapple juice for two days. Coffee, booze and spicy foods – which are known to cause funky spunk – are strictly forbidden, but there’s a reward for his sacrifice in the form of a swallow – rather than spit – BJ.
Champagne/Cava
The Champagne BJ is old news. Instead, get dominant with the Champagne Supernova. You stand up naked in your bathtub; your lover leans over the side of the tub on their knees in front of you (always a good start); you then slowly pour the champagne over your breasts so it trickles down your stomach to your clit where their tongue is waiting to suck up the proceeds. It’s perhaps more financially shrewd to do this manoeuvre with Cava – either way it’s goddamn impressive.
Stockings
Sure, you can wear them first to get your partner in “want-you-NOW” mode, but once you’ve slowly rolled them off your calves burlesque-style, put them to use as restraints. Use each stocking to tie their wrists to your bedposts, or tie their ankles to the base of your bed with them lying face down, allowing you full and undisputed access to their a-hole. Alternatively, you can use one stocking as a blindfold and another balled up as a mouth gag. The memory of this joyous occasion will be stored in their Wank Bank forevermore. Just make sure you use slip knots rather than standard knots as these binds can become uncomfortably tight if they wriggle around, and always keep a pair of scissors next to the bed so you can release them in an instant if you need to.
Cucumbers, Carrots And Courgettes
Phallic vegetables make ideal dildo alternatives. We recommend that anyone wanting to invest in a dildo experiments with veg first to discover exactly which length and girth suits them best. All veg must either be peeled and washed or covered in a condom to protect your sensitive bits from pesticides. Peeled cucumbers are ideal for size queens and once peeled they’re deliciously wet. Carrots are perfect for women who appreciate firmness, and their tapered shape and size range lends itself well to anal play; butt plugs have flared bases to prevent the anal muscles from sucking up the toys – if this happens, they can be difficult to retrieve. The curved shape of courgettes, particularly those with bulbous ends, make them ideal for Gspot stimulation. We’re not sure if this is what the Government has in mind when they recommend five portions of fruit or veg per day, but it certainly gives us a healthy glow.
Clingfilm
Clingfilm has a high kink rating. Rather than use it to cover the remains of last night’s coq au vin, wrap up your coq au man. Clingfilm-coated naked skin experiences sensations in a whole new way. Blow over the surface and the heat of your breath is magnified, lick the surface and the texture of your tongue feels as smooth as silk. We recommend wrapping your man from his knees to his shoulders, thus creating a restraint for his arms and adding a delightful spot of bondage to your bump ’n’ grind. You can then massage him with warm oils – it’s best to use edible ones so you can lick him too. Then when you’re done with teasing him, use scissors to release him and reap your rewards. Warning: if he isn’t already upright, make sure you position his penis pointing north prior to wrapping to allow for imminent growth.
Sushi
Eating sushi off naked bods is big in Japan. Why not recreate a little of that Eastern magic at home? Invite your lover round for dinner, then disrobe and gracefully (or perhaps disgracefully) recline and arrange sushi across your naked contours. Be very careful where you put that wasabi though (unless of course burning sensations get you hot in more ways than one).
Flowers
Have you seen 40 Days and 40 Nights? In it the leading lady reaches orgasm through delicate stimulation from flower petals traced across her contours by lover Josh Hartnett. We’ve tried it and can report that the orgasm doesn’t happen without Josh being in the room, but it does feel divine. Pick up a bunch and ask your man to recreate the scene as a sweet sexual aperitif.
Gillette Venus Vibrance Razor
Save the batteries on vibrating razors for in-shower solo sex sessions. The buzz is utterly pointless in terms of shaving and will make absolutely no difference whatsoever to the hairs on your legs. Remove the shaver head, however, and you have a waterproof sex toy. The vibrations are mild, but twinned with shower stimulation they’re effective.
Pick N Mix
The combined odour of Liquorice Allsorts and cucumber causes a 13% increase in vaginal blood flow. Hello Bertie! What about this mix from the sweet aisle?
- Liquorice laces: make great edible whips
- Chocolate buttons: can be melted onto any body part
- Popping candy: for out-of-this-world blow-jobs
- Lollipops: for double dipping
- Jelly lips: strategically place where you want to be kissed
Sex toys
Most supermarkets sell actual sex toys. Here are our top three….
- Durex Pleasure Ring. This vibrating stimulation ring for him just got better, with 30 percent more vibrations. Reviews across the internet love its comfort..
- Durex Play Massage 2-in-1 Sensual Lube. This lube-cum-massage lotion contains seductive Ylang Ylang extract. It’s also ideal for the Bangkok Slide – a massage trick used in the escort bars of Thailand. Working girls use their lathered-up naked bodies to massage customers. To try it at home, blow up a lilo and ask your partner to lie on it then cover yourself in Play Gel and writhe and slide up and down their naked bod.
- Durex Play Water Base Lubricant. Lube makes almost any sex act better. Forget the old-fashioned view that it’s just for women who want more wetness. Use it for hand-jobs to reduce wrist-ache or pour it between your boobs then sandwich your man’s cock between them.
